Processing The Incessant Negativity

There is a reason I am so harsh, raw, cutthroat and go against the grain.

I know I’m not perfect; I know there’s always something I can learn and always someone who knows more than me. But that being said, I don’t respond well to someone who comes off as condescending. I don’t appreciate the way so many this past month have acted towards me, you have unknowingly invalidated me too often in your own advocacy mission and I am over it.

I just do not vibe with the ones who feel justified publicly trying to critique my art or advocacy in a way I feel is maliciously done based on the way I translate tone. It doesn’t matter if they mean well; I instantly shut down, walls come up, and all my self defense mechanisms are in full swing. Truly if you don’t like my vibe and come off entitled or malicious, I wish you’d keep it to yourself. Chances are you won’t like me even more after I stand up to you and I don’t want to be rude.

I became an advocate because I was so tired of feeling overlooked, and being told I didn’t feel how I felt. I was so upset with constantly having to explain myself and prove my disability. I joined our community back in 2016-I am not new here. I may have taken a 2 year hiatus, but I still remember how amazing the community used to make me feel.

Upon my return, I’ve noticed it has changed. Some people are AMAZING and I am so grateful to have been connected with such amazing advocates and opportunities. Others.....not so much. I almost gave up after two of my “friends” and fellow advocates went on a slanderous rampage. I still can not believe that they had the audacity to say I was the bully and the one who was not staying true to the R.A.R.E. values. The universe made sure I grew from it, but man. It was rough.

Ever since they publicly slandered me within the Instagram Community, I haven’t been treated the same.

I am grateful that a few advocates have stood by me and some see how others talk to me and reach out to me. I appreciate that more than I can ever communicate to them, I don’t have the words.

But so many others have been cruel.

How can you call yourself a disability advocate or mental health advocate and go on invalidating other’s advocacy just because you personally feel as if it could be done better???

How can you say you stand for equality when you clearly show that you feel superior to me??

All I have ever done was try to use my pain to help others.

The ones who did this to me....they know that’s true as I helped them. With everything I possibly could. Making graphics for their professional work, consulting on their relative’s graphic work, consulting on website design, spending hours coming up with ways to include them so they feel like a part of the team, even reporting websites as hate crimes to the FBI that personally upset them.

I spent two months developing The R.A.R.E. Registry, and did everything myself. Contracts, guidelines, website, pitches, promotional work, graphic design, public relations. The only thing I wasnt supposed to do was recruiting, I had them for that, and I still was the one who recruited the variety on the registry. I was insulted by saying I didn’t have inclusive representation and I didn’t reach out to all types of advocates, when I was the one who made a point to find diversity from all over the world. I wasn’t the one who just scrolled the hashtags looking for who was popular.

As a token of their friendship, they in turn emailed every single advocate they remembered I signed and said blasphemous lies about R.A.R.E., myself, and my family. They sent them a template to use and encouraged into terminating their contracts, and exposing me, ON THE DAY WE LAUNCHED. The day after launch, I woke up to more than half of my signed advocates termination emails and insults. Each one of you insulted me for listening to a lie. None of you truly cared you just wanted me to book you and promote you.

I got confirmation about this through one advocate I personally recruited. She messaged me freaking out that she never got an email from the R.A.R.E. team and heard others talking about it; she was appalled to learn of the reality. The few advocates I personally recruited thankfully stuck by my side, and though the Registry is closed, you will still see them within the R.A.R.E. Community. Loyalty is one thing I value above all else, and those who were there will always be part of my community and my work.

It is not okay to claim someone is something just to seek to ruin their credibility. I don’t care what you think the laws are for what ever country you live in, you can’t do that. You may not realize this, but your righteousness and “passion for equality” resulted in myself and my family recieving multiple threats to bodily harm. All from people who had no idea what they were talking about because two specific people decided to not support their claims with the screenshots of our messages.

These people led a handful of other people to break the law, and I don’t want to deal with it any more man. I don’t. I’m tired of justifying my self defenses and so effing tired of constantly having sociopaths manipulate the situation and gaslight me.

I put thousands of hours and hundreds of dollars into my R.A.R.E. Website alone, no one has the right to try to ruin my advocacy just because I choose to do it in a specific way.

I use my art to cope with my life, I don’t want to invalidate anyone when I say this but my life could not be handled by most; the fact that I am so mentally stable, high functioning, and productive always leaves the doctors and counselors speechless upon our first session. I don’t appreciate being told how to create my art when I don’t need to use my art to advocate in the first place. I could just be selfish and keep it allllll to myself *muahahaha cue evil laughter*

I advocate because it used to give me joy and it is a passion of mine so I can change things by time my children are facing the same insane and unequal issues. My advocacy benefits every single one of you. Why do you have to be so hateful and rude?? I’m open about the fact that I have PTSD, that should be more than enough for someone who claims to support mental health to understand they really need be kind with every interaction if they truly do mean well. I will not let condescending strangers stop my mission, but I just wish I didn’t have to deal with it in general.

I respect every person’s life the way I want mine to be respected. I don’t tell anyone how to act, how to behave, or how to feel. Saying “you should feel outraged” is not the same thing as people personally going for anyone’s personality, advocacy, or boundaries.

Please keep in mind every person became an advocate for personal reasons and every person is entitled to their own personality. It doesn’t matter if you think it should be done differently, you as an advocate should understand your opinion doesn’t matter if it doesn’t encourage growth.

If you so truly mean well, send the person a DM and start up a personal conversation. If you do this with me, you gain my respect instantly because you took into account I may have triggers. That speaks volumes to me.

When I was triggered yesterday, I was not being fair to a fellow advocate. She had every right to be hurt and every right to lose respect for me. But instead, she messaged me. She looked past her own hurt and knew I needed help, and she started it off by saying how she saw my pain, and my trust issues. By the end of that chat, I was very embarrassed by how my first thought was not supportive. But she respected me enough to work it out in a way she felt respected my triggers and it truly was needed. I don’t think I would be able to calmly stand up for myself today if she didn’t have that conversation with me yesterday. Thank you, Renée; I’m grateful there are real advocates out there.

Every single person is human, and so to be the best human beings we can be, NOT just advocates, we must go through life assuming that we do not know someone’s personal experiences and must try to approach each soul with that in mind.

This being said, I don’t want apologies.

I just want to move forward in life and not have to deal with negative or toxic energy 💜

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